So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
