haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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