I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
