im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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