i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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