Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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