News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
