i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
