My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
