Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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