I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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