Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
