I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
