Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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