I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
