I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize