he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
