He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
