No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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