Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
