Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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