It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He? As in you personified your dick?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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