I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
