One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
