even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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