Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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