drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Text me some of your sweat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
