matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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