woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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