And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
