yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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