And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize