I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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