If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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