I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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