So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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