the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
