Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
