I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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