I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
