I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
as a side note pls kill me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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