I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
