she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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