hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
