i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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