Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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