Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
