That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
