no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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