Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
