I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
