Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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