someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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