could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
