Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
