Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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