if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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